Pant Zero

With the autumn comes the need to change the family wardrobe around. We put away the summer stuff and fetch out the winter. There is a lag in the process of course, when you’ve got both out as you can’t tell from one day to the next if you are going to be most comfortable in a t-shirt or long sleeves, shorts or trousers. This makes my recent pseudo-housewife achievement even more remarkable: I managed to reach ‘Pant Zero’.

Pant Zero is when every single item of clothing, including underwear is clean and put away in a cupboard. There isn’t anything on the line, in the ironing pile in the washer going smelly, or in the basket waiting for any parts of the aforementioned to happen to it. To be honest, the ironing pile doesn’t normally exist in our house anyway – when we are visited by a female relative of a certain age it seems as if they have gone ironing mad. If they intercept and get their hands on the pile of dry, clean washing before it is sorted and folded and put away they seem to delight in ironing stuff that frankly in our opinion doesn’t need it: socks for example, SOCKS. Why? Answers please to the address below..

So I can’t tell you how accomplished and organised reaching knicker nirvana made me feel. If only I could apply this level of pristine military precision to every area of my life. Perhaps because my family’s pants are now clean and put away we will arrive everywhere on time, our taxes will be paid, we will put out the correct recycling on the correct night, we will remember to send birthday cards a week before the event, and many other admirable and ‘Superwoman’ like characteristics will suddenly become easy and natural to us.

I did meet someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and anxiety recently, this person had to clean their hands very frequently, and carried around with them a little bottle of hand sanitiser and wet wipes to do just that job. What a good idea thought I. Reflecting on this I realise that I might be going a little doolally, it is just as okay to go to a sink and wash your hands I told myself. Perhaps when the world gets even more out of control we will all start carrying around little bottles of Dettol, “Yes, Spain is in terrible debt, we can’t afford to eat but at least my family’s knickers are folded and my hands are clean”. It could happen. On the other hand (you see what I did there?) apparently chaos is part of being creative.  Or I could try to reach Pant Zero minus One or is that perhaps a step too far? This would be when you have everything clean and put away and you aren’t wearing any pants at all because even they are in the drawer lining up with their fellows. If you’re into army style folding and aligning everything in your knicker drawer then going commando could be where it’s at.

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